Anxiety Isn’t Always About the Present
When adults seek therapy for anxiety, they often describe racing thoughts, muscle tension, and constant worry about letting others down. What many don’t realize is that their anxiety may not stem only from current stress, it may be deeply rooted in the way they learned to relate to others as children. One common pattern is the “good kid” syndrome, where children gain approval by being obedient, responsible, and agreeable. While praised in childhood, this coping style often grows into perfectionism and people-pleasing that fuel anxiety in adulthood.
What Is the Good Kid Syndrome?
The “good kid” isn’t simply a child who behaves well. It’s a child who learns to suppress their own needs, feelings, and limits to maintain connection and avoid conflict. Typical signs include:
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Avoiding saying “no” for fear of upsetting others.
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Striving for perfect grades, behavior, or achievements.
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Taking pride in being self-sufficient or “low-maintenance.”
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Feeling guilty for needing help or showing frustration.
While these traits may look positive, they carry a hidden cost: the child absorbs the belief, “I am loved only when I am good.”
Why Childhood People-Pleasing Leads to Anxiety
Children naturally adapt to the environments they grow up in. If they sense that love or approval is conditional, they learn to stay safe by shrinking themselves, keeping the peace, or striving for perfection. Over time, these adaptations may solidify into anxiety patterns.
Hypervigilance and Worry
Adults raised as “good kids” often monitor others for signs of disappointment. This constant scanning can develop into social anxiety or obsessive overthinking.
Struggles With Boundaries
Saying “no” once felt unsafe, so it remains difficult in adulthood. Many overcommit, carry others’ burdens, and feel drained — conditions that amplify anxiety.
Perfectionism and Fear of Mistakes
When worth is tied to performance, mistakes feel threatening. The pressure to get everything right keeps the nervous system in a constant state of alert.
Suppressed Emotions and Stress in the Body
Emotions hidden in childhood don’t vanish. As adults, they may surface as irritability, tension headaches, insomnia, or panic attacks.
What Keeps the Anxiety Going
For many adults who grew up as the “good kid,” anxiety doesn’t simply fade with age, it’s maintained by powerful internal fears that keep the old role alive. These fears drive overthinking, perfectionism, and people-pleasing behaviors that reinforce the cycle of stress.
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Fear of not meeting expectations: When love once felt tied to achievement or obedience, falling short now feels dangerous. Adults may push themselves relentlessly to prove their worth.
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Fear of making mistakes: Errors are not seen as normal but as evidence of failure. This fuels constant self-monitoring and performance anxiety.
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Fear of rejection: Saying “no,” setting boundaries, or showing authentic emotions can trigger panic, because deep down, rejection still feels like abandonment.
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Fear of abandonment: The nervous system holds the old belief that approval equals safety. Losing approval feels like losing connection; and connection is survival.
These fears feed anxiety in a loop: the more a person strives to meet others’ expectations, the more anxious they become, and the anxiety itself becomes the “engine” that drives them to maintain the good kid role.
How EMDR Helps With Anxiety From the “Good Kid” Syndrome
Anxiety rooted in childhood people-pleasing isn’t just about habits you can break through willpower. Often, it stems from unprocessed emotional memories : moments when being quiet, perfect, or compliant felt necessary for safety and belonging. Even as adults, the body may react with anxiety in similar situations (like setting a boundary or making a mistake) because the nervous system still interprets them as threats. This is where Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be especially effective. Through bilateral stimulation (eye movements, tapping, or sounds), EMDR helps the brain reprocess past experiences so they no longer trigger present-day stress. For those who grew up as the “good kid,” EMDR can:
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Bring forward memories of being scolded, ignored, or praised only for perfection.
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Reduce the emotional charge of those experiences so they no longer spark anxiety.
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Replace old beliefs like “I must not upset anyone” with healthier ones such as “I am safe to be myself.”
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Calm the nervous system, making it easier to set boundaries and express authentic needs without overwhelming fear.
In short, EMDR doesn’t erase memories, but it changes the way your brain and body hold them. For many, this brings a profound sense of relief and freedom.
Healing Beyond the Good Kid Role
Being responsible, empathetic, or thoughtful are not flaws, they are strengths. The challenge is to live out these qualities from a place of authenticity rather than anxiety. Healing may involve:
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Reconnecting with your own needs and desires.
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Practicing boundaries without guilt.
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Allowing mistakes as opportunities for growth.
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Expressing the full range of emotions.
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Cultivating self-compassion and self-worth that are not tied to performance.
With the right support, adults can shift from anxious people-pleasing to grounded authenticity.
Taking the Next Step Toward Anxiety Relief
If you recognize yourself in the “good kid” syndrome and find that anxiety still shapes your daily life, you’re not alone. These patterns made sense in childhood, they helped you feel safe. But they don’t have to define your adulthood. Therapy, and especially EMDR, can help you process the roots of your anxiety and step into a calmer, more confident, and authentic version of yourself.
You don’t need to keep being the “good kid.” You deserve to be your whole self, without fear.
About the Author
Dr. Pauline Chiarizia is a Counselling Psychologist specialising in trauma and eating disorders. She offers online therapy and EMDR for individuals who are ready to explore themselves more deeply, break free from unhelpful patterns, and address challenges like anxiety, depression, trauma, low self-esteem, and burnout.
Dr. Chiarizia helps you develop resilience, strengthen self-trust, and build the confidence to navigate life’s challenges: personally and professionally. Her approach empowers clients to cope with adversity while also being fully present for moments of joy, love, and connection.
She offers therapy online, based in London, and is available to clients across the UK, EU, and US.