“I keep trying to ‘do the work’ and push through uncomfortable situations. Why am I still feeling anxious and not confident in myself?”
Let’s talk about this, because there’s a very simple psychological explanation for this that may be rooted in trauma.
Trauma responses can be understood through two states: hyperarousal and hypoarousal.
Hyperarousal is associated with feeling anxious, agitated and restless, whilst hypoarousal is associated with feeling disconnected, withdrawn, emotionally numb or dissociated. Why is this important? Because what you might not realise is that, for some people, hyperarousal can also look like being hyperfocused on getting things done, always pushing through and always doing more.
Sometimes a trauma response doesn’t look like a straightforward panic attack. It looks like not being able to stop. And it can be disguised as “wanting self-development” or simply being “productive”. And yes, you guessed it right, it can look like:
“Let me push through uncomfortable situations so I can finally be healed and feel better.”
This may mean you’re already operating from a heightened state of arousal, which can be associated with difficulties staying within what’s known as the window of tolerance.
When perfectionism becomes part of the problem
This is particularly relevant for women who struggle with perfectionism.
If you’ve spent most of your life trying to get everything right, achieve more, never disappoint anyone and prove that you’re good enough, you might not even recognise that constantly pushing yourself is part of the problem. Because for some women, perfectionism isn’t just about having high standards. It’s about managing anxiety through performance, achievement and other people’s approval.
And sometimes this pattern is rooted in childhood experiences where making mistakes, disappointing others or not meeting expectations came with consequences. So now you’re an adult, and you’re still trying to get everything right.
Except now, even your healing has become another thing you need to perfect.
You’re reading the books, doing the exercises, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and trying to become the best possible version of yourself. But what happens when you stop? Can you rest without feeling guilty? Can you make a mistake without questioning your worth Can you feel anxious without immediately trying to fix yourself?
Because if your response to feeling uncomfortable is always to do more, then you might be maintaining the very anxiety you’re trying to overcome. And that’s something worth exploring.
Understanding your window of tolerance
The window of tolerance isn’t the “comfort zone” you associate with being lazy and having no ambition for growth. It’s the range of emotional and physiological arousal your nervous system can manage whilst remaining sufficiently regulated. And if that window is relatively narrow, which can sometimes happen following trauma, you may find yourself becoming overwhelmed more easily.
The healing work isn’t always about pushing through. Sometimes it’s about learning how to move from a state of hyperarousal towards a level of activation you can tolerate. And the more you develop those emotional regulation skills, the more capacity you may build to manage situations that currently feel overwhelming.
That doesn’t mean everything will eventually become easy. It means you may become better equipped to experience discomfort without becoming overwhelmed by it.
Ironically, the work for so many trauma survivors is not to push through the pain. It’s to learn to feel safe instead of spiralling in its own pain. Because if you’re constantly pushing yourself beyond what you can tolerate, you risk reinforcing the very distress you’re trying to overcome. In other words: you need to learn SAFETY.
Not because growth shouldn’t involve discomfort, but because healing isn’t supposed to become another way of punishing yourself for not being good enough. And there is a big difference between exposing yourself to some discomfort and your nervous system experiencing it as a THREAT. That’s not just some discomfort anymore. That’s feeling unsafe.
And when you’re so overwhelmed that your nervous system is responding as though you’re in danger, it can become much harder to process painful experiences and integrate new information.
That’s why a big part of trauma treatment, particularly when working with complex trauma, can involve stabilisation, grounding and emotional regulation to help you develop the capacity to engage with difficult emotions and memories without becoming overwhelmed.
The goal isn’t to avoid discomfort. It’s to develop the capacity to experience it without feeling like you’re in danger.
About the Author
Dr. Pauline Chiarizia is a Counselling Psychologist based in London specialising in trauma, attachment difficulties, and EMDR therapy. She offers online therapy and EMDR for women affected by anxiety, depression, PTSD, relational difficulties, and the lasting effects of difficult or overwhelming experiences.
She works with women who feel emotionally exhausted, persistently self-critical, or stuck in patterns that feel hard to change. Her approach is trauma-informed and evidence-based. Therapy focuses not only on reducing symptoms, but on building internal stability, resilience, and a stronger sense of self-trust.