Many people who come to therapy are motivated to feel better. They want less anxiety, more clarity, more capacity to enjoy life and that motivation is not only natural but deeply adaptive. Wanting relief, growth, and a better quality of life reflects the healthy, hopeful parts of us that believe change is possible. But sometimes, that same desire to improve becomes intertwined with a quieter, more rigid pressure:
I have to get this right. I need to fix myself. If I don’t feel better soon, I’m failing. This is where motivation begins to shift into something different, what we might call a performative or protective drive. It’s still coming from care, but it’s shaped by older experiences of needing to perform, achieve, or hold it all together in order to feel safe or valued.
When Motivation Crosses Into Pressure
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, different “parts” of us carry different roles and beliefs. Some parts are genuinely motivated, they want ease, balance, connection. Others, however, carry protective roles formed through earlier experiences. A “fixing” or “performing” part often learned that worth and safety depended on doing well, staying composed, or appearing competent. That strategy may have once been essential. But when it takes over the recovery process, it can turn therapy (or personal growth in general) into another performance. This might sound like:
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“I should be further along by now.”
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“Why do I still feel like this?”
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“Other people seem to improve faster, what’s wrong with me?”
These thoughts may come from a part that’s trying to help by preventing rejection, disappointment, or shame. It believes: If I just do ‘healing, or recovery’ or even therapy right, I’ll finally be safe and worthy.
The Problem With “Fixing” Energy
When this internal pressure is active, progress starts to feel more like a test than a process. You might push yourself to unpack everything quickly, overanalyse your emotions, or judge yourself for struggling. From a physiological standpoint, this keeps the nervous system in a state of alertness, the same sympathetic activation that trauma originally created. The “fixing” part doesn’t realise it’s maintaining the same stress loop it’s trying to escape. IFS offers a compassionate reframe: this part isn’t the problem; it’s just over-functioning. It’s trying to protect you from the vulnerability of slowing down, feeling uncertain, or tolerating discomfort because in the past, those experiences didn’t feel safe.
When It’s Just Healthy Motivation
Not every desire to feel better is trauma-driven. Motivation becomes healthy when it’s flexible, compassionate, and connected to a steady sense of self, which may look like that grounded, curious inner presence that can hold different parts without blending with them. Healthy motivation sounds like:
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“I want to feel more at peace and I know it takes time.”
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“I’d like to understand myself better, but I don’t need to rush.”
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“It’s okay that progress comes and goes; I can still care for myself through it.”
Here, the desire to change isn’t driven by shame or urgency, it’s guided by care. There’s room for imperfection and rest. This kind of motivation supports nervous system regulation rather than activation.
The Milestone of Allowing Messiness
For many people, a profound moment in therapy is when they begin to tolerate the messiness of the process; to stay with what’s unfinished, uncertain, or slow. It can feel counterintuitive, especially if the “performing” part equates progress with doing more. But learning to stay within your own window of tolerance, meaning honouring a pace that honours your capacity, is itself a sign of growth. From an IFS and trauma-informed perspective, this is what integration looks like: the self-centred part and the protective part begin to collaborate rather than compete.
You can want to feel better and respect your limits. You can make progress and rest. You can hold discomfort and stay connected to compassion.
How EMDR Therapy Can Support This Work
Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help when performance-based self-pressure is linked to earlier experiences. EMDR works by helping the brain process and integrate distressing memories or core beliefs, like “I have to perform to be safe” or “I’m only acceptable when I’m in control.”
As these memories are reprocessed, the emotional charge lessens, and the nervous system learns that it’s possible to feel secure without constant striving. Research supports EMDR as an effective approach for trauma and anxiety, helping clients experience greater regulation, self-compassion, and flexibility, which are qualities that naturally quiet the “fixing” parts.
Moving Forward With Compassionate Motivation
It’s entirely okay to want to feel better. The desire for relief, growth, and balance is a normal part of being human. The invitation is to notice how that desire is expressed inside you. If it comes with harshness, urgency, or exhaustion, a protective part might be in charge. If it feels steady, hopeful, and kind, your Self (i.e self-centred compassionate adult part) is likely leading.
Progress isn’t about constant improvement: it’s about learning to relate differently to the parts of you that try so hard to help. When they feel understood, they can soften and real, sustainable change becomes possible.
About the Author
Dr. Pauline Chiarizia is a Counselling Psychologist specialising in trauma and eating disorders. She offers online therapy and EMDR for individuals who are ready to explore themselves more deeply, break free from unhelpful patterns, and address challenges like anxiety, depression, trauma, low self-esteem, and burnout.
Dr. Chiarizia helps you develop resilience, strengthen self-trust, and build the confidence to navigate life’s challenges: personally and professionally. Her approach empowers clients to cope with adversity while also being fully present for moments of joy, love, and connection.
She offers therapy online, based in London, and is available to clients across the UK, EU, and US.