Relational trauma and sense of self are closely linked concepts that explain how early harmful or inconsistent relationships impact a person’s identity and emotional wellbeing. Relational trauma occurs when a child grows up in an environment marked by neglect, abuse, or emotional instability, where caregivers fail to provide safety and nurturing. This trauma disrupts the child’s ability to develop a secure and coherent sense of self.
The sense of self refers to how we perceive and understand ourselves — a mental “ID card” containing our beliefs, values, feelings, and roles (such as friend, partner, or student). This internal sense guides how we navigate the world, relate to others, and make decisions aligned with our core values. When relational trauma is present, the development of this sense of self is often fractured, leading to difficulties in emotional regulation, relationships, and mental health.
How Relational Trauma Impacts Your Sense of Self in Adulthood
Children exposed to relational trauma often internalize beliefs that relationships are unsafe or unpredictable. Instead of learning that connections with others can be nurturing, they may see relationships as sources of pain or danger. This experience deeply affects their sense of self and can carry into adulthood with the following consequences:
Low Self-Worth and Identity Confusion
Individuals affected by relational trauma often struggle with low self-esteem. They may believe they are unworthy of love or respect, which can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors, such as staying in toxic relationships or avoiding opportunities for growth. This internalized narrative fragments their identity, leaving them uncertain about who they truly are.
Emotional Dysregulation and Relationship Challenges
Relational trauma can result in inconsistent emotional responses, such as sudden anger or sadness triggered by minor events. This emotional unpredictability creates challenges in forming healthy relationships, as partners or friends may find it difficult to understand or support their loved one’s needs.
Fragmented Sense of Self
Many who have experienced relational trauma develop a fragmented identity, adapting different personas depending on their environment. For example, they might be assertive at work but submissive in personal relationships, leading to internal conflict and confusion about their true self.
The Role of Early Relationships in Shaping Sense of Self
Early relationships with caregivers serve as the blueprint for how we see ourselves and others. When these relationships are stable and nurturing, children learn to trust, communicate their needs, and develop emotional resilience. In contrast, relational trauma disrupts this process, impairing the development of a consistent and positive sense of self.
The mental health effects linked to relational trauma and sense of self can include anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Some individuals may also develop personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), characterized by unstable relationships and intense emotional experiences.
For further reading on the effects of trauma, visit the American Psychological Association’s page on trauma.
Overcoming Challenges of Relational Trauma and Sense of Self Through Therapy
Healing from relational trauma and rebuilding a coherent sense of self is possible with appropriate support. Therapy offers a safe space to explore past experiences, understand emotional patterns, and develop healthier coping strategies.
Therapists may use evidence-based approaches such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or trauma-informed cognitive behavioral therapy to help individuals process traumatic memories and strengthen their self-awareness. This work fosters self-acceptance and empowers clients to create authentic relationships based on trust and mutual respect.
To learn more about mental health and self-esteem, check out Mayo Clinic’s guide on low self-esteem.
Conclusion: Building a Stronger Sense of Self Beyond Trauma
Understanding the connection between relational trauma and sense of self highlights why early experiences profoundly shape adult identity and emotional patterns. Although relational trauma can leave deep wounds, therapy and support provide pathways toward reclaiming a stable, authentic self.
If you recognize signs of relational trauma in your own life, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to begin your journey toward healing and self-discovery.
About the Author
Dr. Pauline Chiarizia is a Counselling Psychologist specialising in trauma and eating disorders. She provides online therapy and EMDR for individuals who are ready to explore and understand themselves more deeply, break free from unhelpful patterns that affect their self-esteem and relationships, and overcome burnout. Dr. Chiarizia focuses on helping clients build resilience, develop self-trust, and gain the confidence to navigate life’s challenges. Her approach empowers clients to cope with adversity while being fully present for moments of joy, love, and connection.
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