If you’re feeling lonely and unappreciated, especially when you’re constantly giving to other people, it may be worth looking at the patterns underneath it.
This is the template I’d follow.
Not because there is one “right” way to do this, but because these are the areas I’d look at if I noticed myself repeatedly ending up in dynamics where I was giving more than I was receiving.
First: I’d stop overgiving
Because giving more doesn’t guarantee being loved or seen.
It just guarantees that you become depleted while other people benefit from what you keep giving.
So gently reflect:
Where have I been extending myself too much?
And:
What would taking one step back look like here?
Not disappearing. Not punishing anyone. Just noticing where you’re doing more than your capacity allows, and where you could start doing less.
Then: I’d start practising boundaries
I’d start with one boundary in one area of my life (work, friendships, family, dating) and one boundary with myself to protect my capacity.
And by setting a boundary, I mean reinforcing it behaviourally.
For example:
“If someone messages me after 10 p.m., I’m not replying until the next day.”
Or:
“If I’m running on four hours of sleep, I’ll cancel evening plans and prioritise rest.”
Start there. Practise those boundaries consistently before adding more.
Then, after a couple of weeks or months, notice what happens.
How are those boundaries serving you?
How do you feel? What has changed in the way you relate to yourself or other people?
Then gradually build more.
The point of boundaries is to protect your capacity and make sure you’re not constantly running yourself into depletion.
Which leads naturally into the next part: your basics.
Then: make sure your basics are covered
Your sleep. Your nutrition. Movement. Quiet time. Hobbies that bring you joy or a sense of fulfilment.
You can’t be well within yourself if your basics aren’t covered. They have to come first.
And if the thought is, “I don’t have time”?
Make the time. Shift your priorities.
Because protecting your capacity is not only about what you say no to. It’s also about making sure you’re actually giving your body and mind what they need to function well.
Then: show up in new circles
Actively meet new people and practise healthy relating.
No overgiving. No oversharing.
Just practise coexisting with other people.
That can look like going to a cooking class with someone new and simply sharing the experience together.
You don’t have to immediately go into depth, disclose your trauma, prove your value, or give them anything in order for connection to exist.
You’re just being alongside another person.
Sharing an activity. Having a conversation. Letting yourself be known gradually. Allowing the relationship to develop without trying to secure it.
Because part of healing can be learning that connection doesn’t always have to be created through intensity, usefulness or self-sacrifice.
Sometimes healthy relating is simply learning that two people can coexist, enjoy one another and let closeness build over time.
And let it evolve organically.
Why you might keep feeling lonely and unappreciated
Often, when we overgive in adult relationships, it can be linked to childhood emotional neglect (and we don’t even realise it!).
If you weren’t taught that you were allowed to have needs, how to look after those needs, or how to protect your own capacity, self-neglect can start to feel normal in your everyday adult life.
So healing means unlearning that individually, learning to notice your needs, protect your capacity and take care of yourself.
But it also means changing things relationally.
Putting boundaries and new ways of relating in place so you’re less likely to recreate dynamics that benefit from your self-neglect.
That’s how the pattern starts to change: not only by understanding it, but by no longer building relationships around abandoning yourself.
A small disclaimer
This is the template I’d personally consider, not me telling you what you should do.
You have your own context, needs and agency. Take what feels useful, leave what doesn’t, and make the choices that are right for you.
About the Author
Dr. Pauline Chiarizia is a Counselling Psychologist based in London specialising in trauma, attachment difficulties, and EMDR therapy. She offers online therapy and EMDR for individuals affected by anxiety, depression, PTSD, relational difficulties, and the lasting effects of difficult or overwhelming experiences.
She works with people who feel emotionally exhausted, persistently self-critical, or stuck in patterns that feel hard to change. Her approach is trauma-informed and evidence-based. Therapy focuses not only on reducing symptoms, but on building internal stability, resilience, and a stronger sense of self-trust.