Wanting to be liked is part of being human. We’re wired for connection, and being chosen, valued, or included helps us feel safe in the world. For many people, this desire sits quietly in the background of relationships and social life. But for others, the need to be chosen becomes louder. It starts to influence how they relate to others, how they make decisions, and how they see themselves. Over time, it can begin to feel less like a preference and more like a requirement:
If I’m not chosen, something must be wrong with me.
When this happens, the need to be liked can slowly erode self-worth and leave people feeling anxious, depleted, or disconnected from themselves.
Where does the need to be chosen come from?
Patterns around people-pleasing and seeking approval often have roots in early relationships. If care, attention, or emotional safety felt inconsistent growing up, you may have learned that connection had to be earned. You might have become especially attuned to other people’s moods, needs, or expectations, while learning to minimise your own. These adaptations are not weaknesses. They are intelligent survival responses. As children, staying connected to caregivers is essential, and we adapt in whatever way helps preserve that bond. The difficulty comes when these patterns remain active in adulthood, long after the original context has changed.
How the need to be liked shows up in adult life
In adulthood, the need to be chosen often appears in subtle but persistent ways, such as:
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Overthinking conversations or worrying about how you came across
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Feeling unsettled when messages aren’t replied to quickly
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Struggling to say no or set boundaries
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Prioritising others’ needs while ignoring your own
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Staying in relationships where you feel unseen or unvalued
You may notice a constant scanning for reassurance, approval, or signs of rejection. When connection feels uncertain, anxiety rises. When you feel liked or chosen, there’s temporary relief.
When self-worth depends on others’ responses
Over time, approval can start to feel regulating, while perceived rejection feels deeply destabilising. Even small moments such as a change in tone, a cancelled plan, emotional distance, can trigger intense self-doubt. The inner dialogue often sounds like:
What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? How do I fix this?
This isn’t about vanity or needing attention. It’s often a nervous system responding to old fears of disconnection. When being liked becomes tied to safety, the body reacts quickly and powerfully to anything that threatens that sense of belonging.
The hidden cost of always needing to be chosen
When so much energy goes into being liked, it becomes harder to ask a different question: Do I actually feel comfortable here? Do I feel respected? Do I want this relationship or dynamic?
Many people find themselves prioritising harmony over honesty, closeness over clarity. Over time, this can lead to burnout, resentment, or a sense of losing touch with who you are. Ironically, the more you abandon yourself in order to be chosen, the harder it becomes to experience relationships that feel genuinely reciprocal and secure.
How EMDR therapy can help with the need to be chosen
For some people, the need to be liked isn’t just a habit of thinking, it’s connected to earlier experiences of emotional pain, rejection, or feeling unseen. These experiences may not always be labelled as “trauma,” but they can still be stored in the nervous system in a way that continues to shape present-day reactions.
EMDR therapy can help by working directly with how these experiences are held in the body and mind. Rather than focusing only on insight, EMDR supports the processing of memories and emotional responses that still feel alive in the present. For example, situations that trigger intense fear of rejection (not being chosen, feeling excluded, sensing distance) may link back to earlier moments where connection felt uncertain or unsafe. Through EMDR, these experiences can be processed so they feel less charged and less defining.
Many people notice that:
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rejection feels less overwhelming
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the urge to people-please softens
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self-worth feels steadier and less dependent on others
EMDR is always introduced collaboratively and at your pace. Many people begin with talking therapy and integrate EMDR later, while others may not need trauma-focused work at all.
Moving from being chosen to choosing yourself
Working through this pattern doesn’t mean becoming indifferent to others or withdrawing from connection. It means developing a more secure and compassionate relationship with yourself. This might involve learning to tolerate the discomfort of not being universally liked, noticing when you override your own needs, and gradually practising more honest ways of relating. In therapy, this work is often gentle and paced, allowing space to understand where these patterns came from and what they are protecting. Being chosen by others can feel meaningful, but learning to choose yourself creates a sense of safety that doesn’t disappear when someone else’s approval does.
About the Author
Dr. Pauline Chiarizia is a Counselling Psychologist based in London specialising in trauma and its impact on emotional wellbeing. She offers online therapy and EMDR for individuals affected by anxiety, depression, PTSD, relational difficulties, and the lasting effects of difficult or overwhelming experiences.
She works with people who feel emotionally exhausted, persistently self-critical, or stuck in patterns that feel hard to change. Many of her clients carry the subtle but powerful impact of earlier relational experiences, even when there has been no single identifiable trauma.
Her approach is trauma-informed and evidence-based.
Therapy focuses not only on reducing symptoms, but on building internal stability, resilience, and a stronger sense of self-trust.
Dr. Chiarizia works with clients across the UK and internationally via online therapy.