Many people seek therapy because they feel overwhelmed by anxiety, chronic overthinking, or a persistent sense of not being “good enough.” What they often don’t realize is that these symptoms may be connected to a long-standing pattern of putting others first at the expense of themselves. While this is commonly described as people-pleasing, clinically it reflects a deeper experience: repeatedly disconnecting from your own needs, emotions, and boundaries to maintain relationships or avoid conflict. This internal disconnection (often formed early in life) can eventually lead to significant anxiety.
The Link Between People-Pleasing and Anxiety
People-pleasing is not simply being kind or cooperative. It becomes problematic when it consistently overrides your emotional well-being. When you habitually silence your needs or adjust yourself to meet others’ expectations, your nervous system remains in a heightened state of alert. This physiological stress response often shows up as anxiety, self-doubt, or chronic fear of disappointing others.
Here are some common signs of anxiety from people-pleasing:
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Feeling anxious after social interactions
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Worrying you said or did something wrong
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Difficulty making decisions without reassurance
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Guilt when setting boundaries or choosing rest
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Losing your sense of identity in relationships
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Over-functioning or over-giving to feel secure
How Early Experiences Shape People-Pleasing Patterns
Many clients discover that their people-pleasing tendencies originated in childhood or past relationships. If expressing needs led to conflict, criticism, or emotional withdrawal, the nervous system learned that staying small or agreeable felt safer. Over time, this becomes automatic: you learn to meet others’ needs first because your emotional safety once depended on it. However, when your external behaviour consistently contradicts your internal experience, your body stays in a state of tension. This mismatch, acting “fine” while feeling overwhelmed, frequently leads to anxiety, burnout, and emotional exhaustion.
Why Ignoring Your Needs Creates Internal Stress
When you ignore or minimize your own needs:
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Your body loses a sense of internal safety.
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Your emotions have nowhere to go and resurface as anxiety.
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Your self-confidence erodes because you undervalue your own perspective.
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You become hyperaware of others’ moods or expectations.
This internal conflict is what drives much of the anxiety people feel but cannot explain. You may find yourself wondering:
“Why am I so anxious?”
“Why do I avoid conflict so strongly?”
“Why do I feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings?”
Anxiety From People-Pleasing: How EMDR Therapy Helps
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is an evidence-based approach that helps individuals process and resolve the experiences that shaped their emotional patterns. For people who struggle with anxiety rooted in people-pleasing or difficulty setting boundaries, EMDR can be especially effective. Here’s how EMDR supports this process:
1. It Identifies the Root of the Pattern
People-pleasing is often tied to earlier relational experiences. EMDR helps safely access and reprocess those memories so the emotional charge connected to them softens.
2. It Restores a Sense of Internal Safety
As the nervous system processes old experiences, individuals feel safer expressing emotions and setting limits. Anxiety decreases as the body learns it no longer needs to stay in survival mode.
3. It Strengthens Trust in Your Own Needs
EMDR helps replace old beliefs (“My needs don’t matter,” “It’s safer to stay quiet”) with adaptive ones such as:
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“My needs are valid.”
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“I can trust my feelings.”
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“I am allowed to take up space.”
These shifts create profound reductions in anxiety.
4. It Reduces Overthinking and Hypervigilance
When the underlying fears driving people-pleasing resolve, clients report fewer racing thoughts, less emotional reactivity, and a greater sense of calm in relationships.
5. It Helps You Build a More Authentic, Balanced Life
By reconnecting with your own needs and emotions, you begin to show up in relationships with confidence and clarity, without the anxiety that once felt unavoidable.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
If you recognise yourself in these patterns: constant worry, difficulty setting boundaries, or losing yourself in relationships, you’re not alone. These responses were learned for a reason, and they can be unlearned with the right support. EMDR therapy offers a powerful path to addressing the emotional roots of anxiety, allowing you to reconnect with your needs, feel more grounded, and move through the world with greater ease and authenticity.
About the Author
Dr. Pauline Chiarizia is a Counselling Psychologist specialising in trauma. She offers online therapy and EMDR for individuals who are ready to explore themselves more deeply, break free from unhelpful patterns, and address challenges like anxiety, depression, trauma, low self-esteem, and burnout.
Dr. Chiarizia helps you develop resilience, strengthen self-trust, and build the confidence to navigate life’s challenges: personally and professionally. Her approach empowers clients to cope with adversity while also being fully present for moments of joy, love, and connection.