Far too many people think that “feeling your emotions” and/or ‘accepting your hurt’ is associated with victimhood, and some associate accountability with “ getting on with it” or clinging to the “focus on what you can control” mindset, which, while true, can also be a very good strategy for dealing with unpleasant emotions.
If I consider myself a victim when I acknowledge my emotions/my hurt, but avoid my hurt and therefore don’t really address it either if I don’t, how do I move forward? That’s why many people find themselves in such extreme situations: they’re either stuck in victimisation, or they’re stuck in avoidance (and, for some people, outright denial).
The good news is that there is a middle ground.That’s what this article is all about: learning the difference between acceptance and victimhood; and how acceptance is associated with (arguably the essence of) accountability.
Victimisation: what is it?
It implies blaming external factors or other people for one’s problems or failures, without taking responsibility for one’s own choices or actions. People who engage in victimhood do not even consider how their own actions have contributed to the role they have played in the situation they find themselves in. It’s a mindset or attitude that makes you a constant victim of your environment, often involving feelings of powerlessness, self-pity and resentment.
In the context of mental health, this can translate into a person constantly insisting that “because they’ve suffered trauma, that’s who they are and that justifies all their behaviours, and others just have to accept it”. While everyone deserves empathy and understanding for their wounds, you remain responsible for your behaviour towards others. And whether you believe it or not, others have the right to say whether they accept your behaviour or not – regardless of any trauma you might have experienced – and that doesn’t make them mean or narcissistic. They simply have needs that you can’t fulfill.
Furthermore, reassurance seeking behaviours can maintain anxiety related issues for instance. People in the grip of victimization may spend a lot of time relying on others to solve their problems, rather than trying to do so themselves.
It’s also because they’ve never had the opportunity to explore the potential coping tools they can use to solve problems themselves. This lack of confidence in their own ability to cope also reinforces low self-esteem, inadequate relationship dynamics, and maintains and aggravates anxiety and feelings of helplessness.
They can also be very frustrated when others don’t support them as they hope – which makes sense, because for them it’s not just about support, at that point it’s their sense of survival that’s associated with others. Unfortunately, the more we adopt such behaviours and remain stuck in victimisation, the more we feel trapped and dependent on others for our survival, which in turn maintains our powerlessness.
Acceptance: the essence of accountability
Acceptance is recognizing and embracing the reality of a situation. It’s about facing reality as it is, without either denying it or avoiding it. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to be passive in the situation. The opposite is true. It allows you to take the necessary steps and make choices based on a clear understanding of the situation. To accept who you are, the situation you’re in and the role you play in it, you need to be present to your body and your emotions. Without this, it will be very difficult for you to take the necessary steps to move forward.
How often have you seen someone who is unable to be present to their emotions spend a lot of time blaming others or the outside world for how they feel? Or how often have you adopted this behavior? And it makes sense, if you’re struggling with your emotions because you don’t know what to do with them, or because you simply can’t tolerate the emotional experience that’s happening inside you, of course you try to find a way to cope with it, and that often involves blaming others and focusing your attention on the external environment rather than the internal one. This is why acceptance is linked to the ability to feel your emotions, which then leads to the ability to make decisions to move forward. This is another factor that many forget: any action or decision you take is rooted in your emotions.
Externalizing your emotions allows the brain to properly engage in the decision-making process without the emotional stimulus being too overwhelming. I know what you’re thinking, if you suppress your emotions and put them aside, they won’t affect your choices, but unfortunately that’s not true. If anything, it’s even worse because you’re not aware of the impact of that unprocessed emotion on the “rational decision you’re making”. Ignoring the data provided by emotional stimuli can be detrimental to your life, as emotions help you identify your needs and values. This is why so many people live inauthentic lives.
Acceptance is about making sure you know how to feel your emotions so you can commit to responsibility and vice versa the willingness to take accountability for oneself helps with being okay with feeling pain instead of being avoidant from it. You can’t take accountability for anything you’re running away from.
Summary
The difference between acceptance and victimization is how you experience your emotions. With acceptance, the mindset is:
“Let me honor my humanity by letting myself feel my emotions; let me feel them without judging or generalizing them about others and the world in general, let me experience them without giving them meaning; let me resort to soothing behaviors if they seem too destabilizing; and once I feel more present to myself, less emotionally raw, let me check out what that emotional experience meant. What was the emotion trying to tell me? Where does it come from? Am I responding to the present or is my past skewing my perception of the situation? What needs does it highlight for me? Have any of my limits been crossed? Do I need to set new ones? Where do I stand in this situation? How do I want to move forward? What do I need?
Victimisation, on the other hand, is “I’m hurt, it’s not my fault and someone else has to come and make me feel better, and if you don’t, you’re betraying me or abandoning me”.
You’re not automatically in victimization mode when you allow yourself to feel your emotions. It all depends on how you approach your emotional experiences.
And it can be learned: send me an e-mail to book your consultation [email protected]
Free yourself from victimisation and learn self-acceptance, compassion and responsibility to move forward and build resilience towards adversity.