Disclaimer: This article provides a glimpse into my approach to working with clients who may feel avoidant or fearful of emotions, especially those hesitant about therapy. Please keep in mind that this reflects my personal approach and not a universal method—each client’s therapeutic experience is unique and tailored to their individual needs and pace.
What I hope to convey is that therapy can be a gentle, empowering process, one that helps you gradually confront and process emotions at your own pace, with support and understanding.
When I begin working with clients, one of the first things I make clear is that there’s absolutely no pressure to dive into anything that feels too overwhelming or that they’re not ready to address. Therapy should always feel like a safe space, and I never push anyone to revisit painful events or trauma details until they feel ready. The risk of retraumatization is real if clients are rushed or asked to engage with traumatic memories too soon. Progress can still be made without having to confront painful emotions or events before the client is emotionally equipped to handle them.
Understanding Emotional Avoidance and Intellectualizing Emotions
When working with my clients, a key part of our initial discussions is understanding emotional avoidance, which often shows up in the form of intellectualizing emotions. This is when clients rationalize their feelings or try to convince themselves that they shouldn’t dwell on their emotions. They may think, “It’s in the past, so why bother with it?” or “There’s no point in revisiting those old wounds.”
While this line of thinking may feel protective or logical at first, it’s actually a form of emotional avoidance. Rather than feeling the emotions fully, clients may dismiss them or intellectualize them to distance themselves from the discomfort. For example, a client might say, “It happened so long ago, I should just move on,” but in reality, that emotional baggage remains unprocessed and continues to affect them in the background.
In therapy, we explore how intellectualizing emotions keeps them stuck. It’s like putting a lid on a pressure cooker—emotions are still there, just under the surface, and over time, they can build up. I help my clients understand that emotions need to be felt and processed, not ignored or rationalized. This is the first step in breaking the cycle of emotional avoidance and learning to engage with emotions in a healthier way.
The Impact of Suppressing Emotions
As we explore this avoidance, we also look at the long-term impact of suppressing emotions. I explain to my clients that while intellectualizing may seem like a quick fix, it’s not sustainable. The more they suppress their feelings or hold onto past pain, the more this emotional weight accumulates over time. This baggage can start to show up in other areas of life, such as anxiety, depression, or difficulty in relationships.
For example, if a client has learned to suppress anger because expressing it wasn’t safe in their past, that anger can turn inward and manifest as anxiety or low mood. In therapy, we start to identify these patterns and explore how holding ontothese suppressed emotions is often keeping them stuck, limiting their emotional growth and overall well-being.
I also help clients recognize that avoiding emotions doesn’t protect them from pain; instead, it often deepens it. Suppressing emotions is a way of postponing the healing process, and the longer we avoid addressing them, the more challenging it becomes to process them later. This is why we gradually move toward feeling emotions rather than intellectualizing or avoiding them.
The Fear of Losing Control
One of the main barriers to feeling emotions is the fear of losing control. Many clients are afraid that if they let themselves feel emotions fully—especially emotions tied to past events—they may become overwhelmed or out of control. This is a natural fear, and we explore it together in therapy.
I explain that this fear is common because many people have not learned how to process emotions in a healthy way. The fear often stems from past experiences where emotions may have felt overwhelming or where expressing feelings wasn’t safe. I work with my clients to understand this fear and gradually build tools to process emotions in a way that feels safe. This isn’t about diving headfirst into overwhelming emotions, but about developing the skills to sit with emotions and process them at a pace that feels manageable.
We explore how the fear of losing control often keeps clients from fully engaging with their emotions. But, I help them understand that, in reality, learning to feel and process emotions in a healthy way actually leads to greater emotional control. They are not giving up control—they are gaining control over their emotions by learning how to respond to them, rather than avoiding or suppressing them.
The Power of Letting Go
As we explore these patterns of emotional avoidance, we also begin to look at the power of letting go. One of the most liberating insights for my clients is understanding that the more they hold onto something—whether it’s a past event, a belief, or a feeling—the more harm it can cause. Holding onto these emotions too tightly can give them more power over us.
I explain that letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or erasing what happened. It doesn’t mean that the past didn’t matter or that the pain isn’t valid. Instead, it means unpacking the emotional baggage tied to that experience so it no longer holds power over them. I help my clients understand that by releasing these emotions, they are not losing control—they are taking back control over their emotional health and their future.
This process is gradual. Together, we explore what letting go looks like for each client. What does it feel like? What does it take to release the emotional grip that certain events or feelings have had on their life? I emphasize that this isn’t a quick fix; it’s about creating a safe, supportive space to gently unpack these emotions, piece by piece, so they no longer continue to cause pain or block their progress.
Learning to Self-Soothe and Reclaim Control
As my clients begin to understand the importance of letting go, we shift our focus to learning how to self-soothe and regulate their emotions. I teach them practical techniques for grounding and calming themselves when emotions arise. This is a crucial part of the process, as it gives clients the tools they need to face their emotions without feeling overwhelmed or out of control.
We also explore how emotions don’t define us. A client who feels anger isn’t necessarily an “angry person.” A client who feels sadness isn’t “broken.” Emotions are natural, temporary states that come and go—they don’t determine who we are. By practicing how to sit with emotions and self-soothe, my clients gain a deeper sense of emotional resilience and empowerment. They begin to trust themselves more and feel more confident in their ability to handle whatever emotions arise.
Emotional Empowerment and Moving Forward
Ultimately, this work leads to emotional empowerment. As clients learn to process and understand their emotions, they begin to recognize what their feelings are trying to communicate. Instead of viewing emotions as something to avoid or “toughen up” against, clients learn that emotions are valuable signals that guide them toward what they need to thrive. They start to understand how emotions point to unmet needs and what changes are necessary to feel more authentic and aligned with their true selves.
Rather than feeling burdened by emotions or suppressing them, clients begin to respond to their feelings in healthier ways. They gain the skills to self-soothe, manage their emotional states, and make conscious decisions about how to react when emotions arise, instead of being controlled by them. This shift in perspective allows them to see emotions not as threats, but as tools for greater clarity and direction.
Clients start to use their emotions as a compass—a guide for making more authentic choices in life. Rather than responding out of fear, old habits, or emotional avoidance, they begin to act in ways that are aligned with their true values and needs. This shift helps them make decisions that are both empowering and purposeful, and they experience a greater sense of control and confidence in their lives.
Often, when clients reach this stage, they feel ready to explore deeper traumas or emotional wounds they may have been avoiding for years. Having built the emotional resilience to sit with difficult feelings, they feel more equipped to address and heal the past. Together, we create a plan for revisiting these deeper issues, so they can process and heal them without feeling unsafe.
If what you’ve read resonates with you, or if you’re curious about how therapy might help, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d be happy to discuss how we can work together. You can contact me at [email protected]