As a trauma therapist, I often meet adults who are incredibly thoughtful, self-aware, and deeply in tune with the needs of those around them. They’re often high-functioning, responsible, and—on the surface—seem to have it all together. But beneath that calm and capable exterior is often a familiar current of anxiety. Not the kind that starts with one big life event, but the kind that’s always been there. Quiet. Chronic. Exhausting. When we trace that anxiety back, we often find something subtle but powerful at the root: they were never truly allowed to just be children.
The Hidden Burden of Growing Up Too Soon
You don’t have to have experienced obvious trauma to carry emotional wounds. Many people grow up in homes where there was no yelling, no violence, and no neglect in the traditional sense—yet still carry the weight of having had to be “the mature one,” “the easy child,” or the emotional anchor for a parent or sibling. This is often called parentification, but even without using labels, the experience is familiar: you had to hold it together when others couldn’t. You sensed tension and took responsibility for diffusing it. You were praised for being calm, helpful, independent… and maybe even invisible.
This kind of role reversal doesn’t just take away the carefree experience of childhood—it teaches the nervous system that safety depends on staying in control, scanning for emotional shifts, and not needing too much. Over time, this creates a foundation for persistent anxiety.
Why the Anxiety Doesn’t Go Away
One of the most frustrating parts for adults who’ve grown up like this is how difficult it is to shake the anxiety, even when life seems stable. You may have a good job, a supportive partner, and yet still feel on edge. Hyper-aware. Unable to relax fully or let go of control.
That’s because this pattern wasn’t created by one event—it was learned slowly, over years of subtle conditioning. Your body and brain learned that you needed to stay alert to stay safe, that your needs were secondary, and that connection came with emotional labor.
This kind of anxiety isn’t just cognitive—it lives in the body. And until we address it at the level of the nervous system, it tends to linger, no matter how much insight we gain.
“But My Childhood Was Fine…”
Many people who experienced these early emotional burdens struggle to acknowledge their impact. They say things like:
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“I wasn’t abused.”
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“My parents were doing their best.”
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“I was just a mature kid.”
All of these things can be true—and still, the experience of having to suppress your own needs to maintain family stability is emotionally taxing. You don’t need to justify your anxiety by comparing it to others’ pain. If you didn’t feel safe to be vulnerable, ask for help, or simply be a child, that matters. And your body remembers.
Healing That Goes Deeper: EMDR and the Nervous System
Insight is powerful, but it’s not always enough—especially when your anxiety is rooted in early, preverbal, or relational experiences. That’s where brain-body therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) come in.
EMDR helps reprocess distressing memories and survival patterns that are stored in the nervous system. You can begin to release not just the memories of specific moments, but the deeper emotional imprints—like the feeling of having to stay small, quiet, or perfect to be accepted. When we apply EMDR with an attachment-focused lens, we don’t just ask what happened, but what your body learned to expect from relationships.
Why EMDR Intensives Work Faster
If you’ve spent years feeling stuck or frustrated in weekly therapy, you’re not alone. For clients who are ready to go deeper, EMDR therapy – including EMDR intensives offer a focused and accelerated path to relief.
Rather than one 50minutes session a week, intensives typically involve two or more extended sessions per week (often 90 minutes), over the course of a few weeks. This allows us to build and sustain momentum with your nervous system, reducing emotional symptoms in a shorter amount of time.
This approach is especially helpful for adults who’ve carried emotional burdens since childhood. The nervous system doesn’t just need to understand what happened—it needs repeated, safe, embodied experiences of being held and supported. With EMDR, we can work deeply and consistently enough to make that possible. With the right support, healing is not only possible—it can be deeply transformative. You don’t have to spend years unraveling this alone. You can begin to feel safe, calm, and truly supported—maybe for the first time.
About the Author
Dr. Pauline Chiarizia is a Counselling Psychologist specialising in trauma and eating disorders. She provides online talk therapy and EMDR for individuals who are ready to explore and understand themselves more deeply, break free from unhelpful patterns that affect their self-esteem and relationships, and overcome burnout. Dr. Chiarizia focuses on helping clients build resilience, develop self-trust, and gain the confidence to navigate life’s challenges. Her approach empowers clients to cope with adversity while being fully present for moments of joy, love, and connection.