Whether it’s your partner, your child, or a friend, it’s never pleasant to see a loved one overwhelmed by anxiety. It’s even harder when they turn to you, and you have no idea how best to support them. Sometimes you feel like you can’t help them and that moment makes you feel very vulnerable and frustrated, or even like you’re not good enough for them in that moment. This frustration can also make you feel anxious or have all sorts of emotions about your ‘inability’ to support them.
If you feel overwhelmed by this situation or feel that their distress is triggering other emotional problems that you can’t yet tolerate, you run the risk of making their situation worse, as they will sense this and sometimes end up feeling like they are a burden, which will fuel their anxiety even more. That’s what this article aims to prevent by proposing 5 useful tips that you can use the next time you find yourself in such a situation.
Parts of this article are taken from my EBOOK on anxiety: “Normalising and befriending anxiety’ available for sale in the Ebook section of my website. Access other grounding techniques from different psychological therapies and refer to the recommendations on how to implement them in your daily life without costing you extra time and effort.
- Mindset
The first thing to consider before incorporating any practical technique to help reduce anxiety is to have the right frame of mind. The reason for this is that it’s not just a question of the technique when you suggest it to an anxious person but of the way you deliver it and your approach to the situation. If you put pressure on yourself to save this person from their pain, you add frustration and stress, and they feel it too. On the other hand, if you see your role in this situation as that of someone who supports the person in their effort to help themselves and accepts that it’s normal to feel anxious at times and that it’s not necessarily a reason to worry or panic, you’re much more likely to have a calmer presence. This will help you to remain grounded and will allow you to implement some coping tools with them so that they can regain their composure.
- Butterfly technique
‘Wrap your arms around yourself, making sure that each hand touches the opposite shoulder or arm, whichever is most comfortable for you. Then gently move your hands/fingers to tap alternating sides. You can also do this by tapping on your knees if this is easier for you. Practice this method whenever you like and see if it helps you when you feel overwhelmed or anxious.’- Extract from EBOOK.
You can do this with them, or in front of them so that they feel your calming presence and are more inclined to join you in this behaviour. It’s also useful because it doesn’t require them to concentrate on breathing, which isn’t always easy to do depending on their level of anxiety.
- Play I Spy
‘Many of us know this game from childhood, but in case you don’t, it’s very simple – and it’s a great tool to manage anxiety because you can play it alone or with a loved one. So, if you feel anxious when you’re in the passenger seat, you can ask the person you’re with to play this game with you to help you manage your anxiety and prevent it from escalating. This is just one example I’ve given here, but it’s a great tool for people to know about because they can communicate to those around them HOW to help them by playing this game together. The aim is to choose an object or anything you see around you – it can also be colours – and the other person must guess what it is.
This game forces you to pay attention to your external environment, which calms anxiety. You can also do this on your own, noticing five things in your environment that you may not have paid attention to before, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. You can also name five colours or shapes that you see.
You can also go for a short walk and notice the colours of shops or doors and name them as you see them, making sure you slow down your pace if you are walking fast. Attention to the environment can be a way of anchoring oneself and can be useful in different situations: in a waiting room, in an examination room, on public transport, etc.’ – Extract from EBOOK.
If you’re with someone who’s anxious, you can play this game with them, gently, and let them know that it’s also a coping tool they can use when they’re alone. In this way, not only are you supporting them in the here and now, but you’re also giving them a resource they can rely on when they’re alone. In this way, you reinforce their sense of autonomy, which is very important when it comes to coping with anxiety problems.
- ‘Leaves on a Stream’ Visual Exercise
If the anxiety stems from thoughts, whether their nature or feeling like you can’t stop thinking about something distressing, this exercise can be helpful. However, this may not be suitable for all levels of anxiety. But if the person is able to have some concentration or is simply willing to try this exercise to soothe themselves (sometimes having something to focus on is helpful to reduce anxiety) then by all means try this exercise together. Walk this exercise with them in a gentle manner, and if it makes them feel worse, please stop immediately.
Ask them to sit comfortably or to stare at a specific spot in the room if this gives them a feeling of greater control over the situation. Ask them to visualise a flowing stream with floating leaves. Give them a few seconds to do this and, once they’ve visualised it, ask them to place each thought that comes to mind on a leaf and watch the leaf float. Remind them that they can also place happy or peaceful thoughts on a leaf, as it’s all about watching the thoughts float on the leaves in the water. If the thoughts stop, simply continue to watch them float, noticing that some move closer, others further away. This shows that there’s no need to rush the leaves or try to get rid of the thoughts, as they come and go on their own.
If thoughts such as “I’m not doing this right” or “this exercise is stupid” appear, normalise them for them and ask them to put them on a leaf as well. Give them a few seconds to do this, without rushing the exercise. As soon as they feel ready, they can stop the exercise. The aim is to show that you always have a choice about how you interact with thoughts, that they don’t define who you are and that they don’t need to be too present all the time – they can come and go. If this has stirred up emotions, you can encourage them to share them with you or suggest they discuss them with a mental health professional if you don’t feel equipped to handle it. Remember that you are providing support, but you cannot replace a mental health professional. Accompanying them in a visualisation exercise can also be a creative and useful experience, and you can even do it with them and share your experience. But that’s as far as you can go. And don’t forget that it’s okay.
- Safe Space
Have you ever smelled a scent that immediately took you back to a time on holiday or a specific memory in your life? It’s something you can use to create your own personalised coping tool that will soothe your body through your senses and imagination, and it’s something that no one can ever take away from you – which is a source of energy and empowering. And that’s something you can help someone else do for themselves. You can walk them through this script: Just imagine a safe place (which is NOT your bed) and stay there for a while. Where are you? What do you see? Is there a smell? Is there noise or silence? Can you feel anything (the wind blowing, for example, or the warmth of the sun on your face, any sensation at all!) – Take your time; the aim is for this image to give you a feeling of security and peace. Pay attention to all the details and, when you feel ready, come back into the room.
If, for some reason, none of this helps, remind yourself and the person concerned that anxiety is like any other emotion, it goes away on its own. There’s also nothing wrong with the person feeling tired after experiencing a great deal of anxiety, and this should be normalised for them too. Consider a calm environment to recharge from the stress.
I would like to stress that this article cannot consider the differences and particular context of each individual, nor the severity of symptoms. If you find that the exercises you are trying are making you or others worse, stop immediately and make an appointment with a registered mental health practitioner. – and this applies to anything you try that comes from the internet.
If you would like psychological therapy to better support you when you are helping someone close to you manage their mental health (your child, your partner, another family member), please do not hesitate to contact me. It is not uncommon for people to seek psychological therapy because they feel they are struggling to help someone else, which is affecting them negatively. There is no shame in this, contact me for support.